It's time - time to start writing again.

Oh Lord, how majestic is your name. How lovely are the feet of those who walk with you.

Today was a glorious day. As I worked diligently on planning out Jeremiah's Christmas present, my Tyler babysat his brother - patiently and playfully. I listened in as he taught his baby brother to say please and thank you, to pick up toys before he played with anything else, and as he spoke so sweetly and kindly to his little brother. I should have been teaching Tyler Math, Science, Social studies etc. But it was a beautiful moment to hear him.

We began a wonderful relationship with our new children's pastor. Recently, I read a book with Tyler "A Young Man After God's Own Heart" by Jim George. Right away in this book, it spoke about mentorship, and the importance of this in a young man's life. It gave him a homework assignment to find a man who he KNOWS loves Jesus, and ask that man to mentor him. Without hesistation, Tyler chose Pastor Josh Tiner to be his mentor. They met for the first time last week. I can't express my gratitude to this man - a man who is willing to pour into my son, wisdom and fun for an hour and a half of his life each week.

Last week, Tyler began praying for wisdom, knowledge, and that he would grow to be a righteous man (this was his lunch time prayer), making righteous choices even today. Last week, he avoided temptation, and told me about the temptations that he fled from. He wanted to steal root beer, dishonor me, and lie to me - but after realizing all the commandments he would break, he chose not to. AND he told me all about it! I was touched so deeply as his mother.

Also, last week, Tyler took his Friday night to help a group of ladies set up for our tea. He set up about 200 chairs, and was setting tables, running errands and the best servant. He had accidentally skipped lunch, and dinner came to him at 8:30pm. He not only did not complain, he volunteered to stay later so that he could help - Dad came to get him to go home and play, and he asked to stay to help set up. It wasn't "fun" - it was a LOT of work. He was such a sweet servant. I really appreciated all he did.

This week, Pastor Josh and Tyler began "The Truth Chronicles" - which is an Adventures in Odyssey series. It's about different worldviews. When I picked up Tyler (he was hiding in a snow fort in front of Pastor Josh's house), he was barely buckled when he announced "MOM! I'm a missionary!!! I am going to tell this kid 'Zach' all about Jesus tomorrow at swimming. If he doesn't know Jesus, I'm going to tell him about Jesus and how He died on the cross to save us. - I might just save his life Mom! Just like you did with that lady last week Mom. I won't save him, but God will, but I will be willing to let God use me Mom. I'm going to say 'here am I Lord, send me' like Isaiah did in Isaiah 6:6."

Tears flowed. My Tyler is 9. He was given a diagnosis of Autism when he was 3. We didn't know if he would ever speak, we didn't know if he would ever have the social skills to have friends, or understand how to communicate well. We didn't know, so we prayed. Every night we prayed over him - blessings - blessings of speech, blessings of communication, blessings of understanding and knowledge. We prayed that he would have a love for Jesus at a young age. We prayed that he would have a passion to serve God at a young age.

God heard our prayers. He has a plan for Tyler. He is looking out for Tyler. He created him just the way he is with NO mistakes. I am so proud of Jesus. I am so proud of all the work HE has done through my dear son. I am touched to the core of my heart by the love that is flowing through Tyler right now. I am grateful.

A heart for my husband

I have been enjoying the study I'm in so much lately. This last week, I was so overwhelmed with how much I had to do to change! I couldn't believe where I was and how far I had to go. I was thinking yesterday that I've settled with being "fine". I have grown a lot as a wife in a lot of positive ways - I don't argue with Jeremiah so much, I don't yell at him, I don't talk bad about him to people, I don't do a lot of things that I once did. And, I've let that be enough. This week I learned about all the things I SHOULD do for him (I already know a lot of the things I should NOT do). HELP him - make him my career - ask him each day how I can help him and help him manage his time more?!!! - This was the most alien idea for me. I am SO not a servant. -God has a lot to do for me in this area. BUT, I am willing to change, to grow and mature. So, I ask Jeremiah each day (so far 4 days in a row) those questions. It's amazing how that changes my attitude, my thought process, my mindset throughout the day - it's pretty cool.
I'm to SUBMIT to him - check got this one down! (so I thought!) - a quiet submission to him, allows him to be more successful. I saw that today in our project. I worked hard at just being his helper, and not the control freak. The project went so smoothly, and he was very happy with the progress that was made. NO FRUSTRATION!! (maybe we could build a house together!!)
I supposed to RESPECT him?? - This is the one I'm reading about tomorrow, but I'm eager to hear how God wants me to apply this one. I think our marriage is going to be much happier because of this study - I'll be much closer to becoming "A woman after God's own heart."

I have some pretty amazing ladies with me on this journey, I'm learning a lot from them as well in our discussions, emails, accountability, and prayer time together. I feel blessed to be living in such a time as this. I am humbled and blessed.

I was awakened again last night - 3am. I had been tossing and turning most of the night, restless and not able to sleep well. I started to complain quietly, until I looked at the sacred time - 3am is God's time. It's the time he wakes me, to speak to me. I was humbled by what I "heard" (I use quotes because I don't hear an audible voice, it's more my quiet thoughts).

I've been learning and teaching about prayer this month. The study I'm doing is impacting and life changing. I want so badly to do all God wants me to do, to want him with all that I am. To serve him (no matter how) with a glad heart, with a eager and willing heart. To do everything without complaining or arguing. I want to be a wise woman.

This morning, I got reminded of my Thursday. I felt it was incredibly productive, very little school got done, but a lot of other things were accomplished (or so I thought). Pride was settling into it's usual spot - therefore complaining was on my mind "Lord, I need to sleep, yesterday was so busy, and tomorrow is going to be so much more. You know what I need, so please provide rest for me."

"You ask, but you do not seek me. At times you treat me like your child instead of being MY child. I love you, remember that I know what is best for you? You didn't seek me, ONE time yesterday. You said you would pray, but you never did. You didn't seek my wisdom, or consider my ways one time. You come to me, wanting me to pour out blessings of sweet rest, but your soul is unrested, your mind is cluttered, because you never sought me. When you do it all yourself, you will work so much harder than if you allow me to help you with decisions. When you commit your way to me, and trust me with all your heart, you will have no worry or fear, your confidence will be complete in me. You won't have to worry about the next day, or the next decision because I have already prepared it, I have already ordered it, and done what is necessary. Seek me first, dear one, even in the small things. Get in the habit of coming to me about what you should eat or drink, ask me what road to take, ask me which event to attend. I will lead you, because I can see the whole map, and I know where the rugged terrain is, I know where the traffic is. I know and I see all things. Trust in me with all your heart (yes, even the small stuff counts), lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways (not just some) acknowledge me, and I will make your path straight. Pray with your sisters. When you're trusting me, when you're seeking me always, then you will find peace, and you will pray with those around you that have asked for prayer. Don't write it down. Pray. You know that I answer, you know that I hear. Pray dear one. I am beckoning you, because I love you. Come away with me, rest in me, allow me to fill you to overflowing. I want to bless you, but you have to ask for the blessing. Wait on me. Give me time to make my plans that I have for you to prosper you, not to harm you, to give you hope and a future work out. Ask. Wait. Respond. "

I only share this journal because it's time to get be vulnerable - authentic. I don't have it all together, but thank the Lord, that he does, and that I can lean on him, trust him, and confess to him (he's so quick to forgive). I am going to be working on checking with God about things first - it's a tough thing for me - pride and control want to take over. But, I think I will be blessed for following him, for giving him the control, for humbling myself to his all knowing power. And so I begin, Lord, do I post this on my blog? .....................

Journey to freedom

I am constantly amazed by my creator. How time and time I can fail and fall on my face, and he's always right there to pick me up.

Many people reading my blog have commented on the struggles that I've been going through. Tonight, my Lord spoke familiar words to me that resonated in my heart....

Hebrews 12:7-12

⁷Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? ⁸If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. ⁹Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! ¹⁰Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. ¹¹No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

My paraphrase : No pain, NO GAIN.

We sang a song today too that was so beautiful - again familiar, however, I found my heart singing, crying out to God in worship and praise -

If our God is with us, that what could ever stop us, and if our God is with us, than what can stand against?

Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other, our God is healer, awesome in power - our God, our God

There is no one like you. None like YOU.

So, is this why there is peace that transcends all understanding - that the peace of Christ RULES our hearts when the storms come??? I am amazed by the peace that I have been blessed with - even in the storms, that my God is here - he is my refuge and my strength, so in whom shall I fear???

I remember too WHO the enemy is in my struggles -
Ephesians 6:12
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

I know that this battle belongs to the Lord. I can lay my burdens at his feet, I can rest in him knowing, trusting that he won't leave me nor forsake me. I know that when I cry out to him, that he hears me. I know that I can call out to him and seek him with all my heart, and that he will hear me, and he will take away my troubles in his time.

I end with praises - my God is so worthy of the praise and Glory - I deserve none. He has redeemed, restored, reconciled and healed me in more ways than I can imagine. He offers a tremendous amount of comfort, and even when the discipline comes, I know that he loves me, and that he is training me. I put my trust in him, because he's the only one worthy of my trust.

So, don't feel sad for me, don't feel sorry for me - yes, I am going through trials, and I'm working hard to get through this valley, however, I know who's got my back, who's walking by my side. This is not a sad place for me - it's a hard spot, but hard isn't bad. I appreciate that God still convicts me and keeps my heart tender and soft - mold-able for him to use.

ALL for his glory -

Forgiveness

God's been taking on a journey through the life of Joseph. I'm learning so much about his character, his righteousness etc. Today though, I want to write about how FORGIVING Joseph was - probably the MOST forgiving man in the Bible (other than Christ)...he was so justified to not forgive, however, he chose forgive....

So, learning from Joseph:

1. Don't tell people what he/she did to you - Gen. 45:1 - Joseph sent out all the people from the room and then told his brothers who he was and what his brothers had done to him. This was a wonderful chance to get some "justice". Instead, he told others to leave the room to tell his offender who he was.

2. Don't allow he/she to fear you. - Gen. 45:4 - when Joseph's brothers feared him most, he asked them to come closer so he could love on them.

3. Don't allow them to feel guilty - Gen. 45:5 - Joseph didn't allow them to grieve over what they had done. He didn't expect an apology. He was free to forgive maybe because he held NO bitterness towards them?

What does God say about forgiveness:
Matthew 6:12
Mark 6:15
Mark 11:26
Ephesians 4:32
Colossians 3:13

4. Let them save face - Gen. 45:8 - Joseph says "it is not you who sent me here, but GOD did." - He gave them a way out and put the whole thing in perspective. When we allow the holy spirit to set us free from bitterness, it allows God to work in us, to use us in a way won't be able to when we hold onto. Let God work it out - give him time to work it out (for Joseph, it was 22 years!)

5. You protect them from their darkest secrets - Gen. 45:9 - Joseph could have trapped the brothers and said "Go back to Dad and tell him what you've done!" - instead, Joseph told them what to tell him. He didn't allow them to expose themselves to their father.

6. How many times do you repent of the same sin? - Gen 50:15-21 - After 17 years of being reunited his brothers still sought forgiveness, and Joseph did not hold a "life sentence on them". He wept, and reminded his brothers that this was God's will.

7. Pray for God to bless them. - Gen. 50: 25 - Joseph made sure that his brothers were taken care of. He spoke God's promise and provision over their lives.

The only way to get full forgiveness is to surrender my heart to God. I'm not to be frantic and make rash decisions, but I can pray for that person, allowing God to work in their heart. He will slowly remove that bitterness, that hurt and remove that constant need to talk about them....

As Christians, we are the ONLY religion that understands what forgiveness is - Muslims do not, Hindu does not, but Christians have the cross. With a surrendered heart, allowing God to do his work in me.

Just as I am without one plea,
But that thy blood was shed for me.
And that thou benst me come to thee
oh Lamb of God I come, I come.

Just as I am and waiting not,
To rid my soul of one dark blot
To thee who's blood can cleanse each spot
Oh Lamb of God I come, I come.

Just as I am though tossed about,
With many a conflict many doubt
Fighting's and fears within without
Oh Lamb of God I come, I come.

Just as I am thou wilt receive
Wilt welcome pardon, cleanse, relieve
Because thy promise I believe
Oh Lamb of God I come, I come.

Judgements

Today was a day of reflection - of looking at what God has done in my life. I spent most of the day (between taking care of 6 kiddos) reading the WORD, soaking in the precious words of my Father.
Psalm 20 was emailed to me this morning:
1 May the LORD answer you in the day of trouble;
May the name of the God of Jacob defend you;
² May He send you help from the sanctuary,
And strengthen you out of Zion;
³ May He remember all your offerings,
And accept your burnt sacrifice. Selah
⁴ May He grant you according to your heart’s desire,
And fulfill all your purpose.
⁵ We will rejoice in your salvation,
And in the name of our God we will set up our banners!
May the LORD fulfill all your petitions.
⁶ Now I know that the LORD saves His anointed;
He will answer him from His holy heaven
With the saving strength of His right hand.
⁷ Some trust in chariots, and some in horses;
But we will remember the name of the LORD our God.
⁸ They have bowed down and fallen;
But we have risen and stand upright.
⁹ Save, LORD!
May the King answer us when we call.

Then I spoke with a trusted friend - an accountability partner if you will - and she spoke such good truth to me.

Here's the situation - someone asked me about something, something from my past...something that I had healed from. I didn't defend myself really, I just said it wasn't so. It didn't hurt at the time - then I realized later (after losing self control later that night) that I was very disturbed by the question. I felt attacked, angry, hurt, betrayed, bitter. I felt horrible, ugly, and like "maybe I haven't changed!" - I cried, I bawled, I grieved and mourned - I was so confused why this could hurt SO bad? I don't know if it was meant to hurt or not, then this precious soul (angel if you will) spoke such a good word to me. Here's what she said:

"Maybe she didn't mean what you thought she meant....maybe she wasn't attacking at all, but MAYBE with the question she asked, it was a question in general to all women, it is a process of her own healing, maybe God is working on her restoration and healing as well, and she wanted to know how you had healed from this."

WOW - she caused me to take a HUGE step back, out of the situation and try to see this situation and person through God's perspective, or just a different perpective. It was interesting, and caused me to look at the situation as not being an attacking one, but one that maybe I just got too defensive, and allowed the ENEMY to destroy something that was meant for good. I want to ask for forgiveness, but I think it's too late. I now pray for that person, that God will bring complete healing to her. That God will completely restore her heart, and that he will also restore mine. I am sad that I allowed the enemy to get me so down with this, and those comments. I am disappointed in myself that I was not stronger. Now, she's gone, out of my life, and I hate it - I miss her and I wish I could have even the little bit back that I once had. I was trying SO hard, but maybe, I HOPE that God will bring restoration to our relationship. I put my hope in him for this relationship in knowing that he has restored SO many others. I pray that his good, pleasing and perfect will is done.
1 Peter 4: 1-6
¹ Therefore, since Christ suffered for us^a]">[a] in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same mind, for he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, ² that he no longer should live the rest of his time in the flesh for the lusts of men, but for the will of God. ³ For we have spent^b]">[b] in doing the will of the Gentiles—when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries. ⁴ In regard to these, they think it strange that you do not run with them in the same flood of dissipation, speaking evil of you. ⁵ They will give an account to Him who is ready to judge the living and the dead. ⁶ For this reason the gospel was preached also to those who are dead, that they might be judged according to men in the flesh, but live according to God in the spirit. enough of our past lifetime




Selah

My failings...God's victory?

I'm influenced most by people whose lives match their words. Interestingly, for these people, doing what's right is a natural way to honor God. Their influence over me is a by-product of that devotion, and I'm changed by watching the unspoken alignment of their talk and walk.

Oh, my tongue verses my motives......

What a mess I make sometimes. What is it that Paul says in Romans 7:15-20
¹⁵I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.^c]">[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

I so badly want to live to do what is right. To live daily in the freedom of Christ. Is it the enemy that makes me stumble? Is it my sinful nature? Is it my flesh? Is it just that I'm NOT perfect? I desire so much to do what is right in the eyes of God - to be a woman after his own heart.

So, I am thankful for his sweet grace and forgiveness. I am thankful that he does not condemn us, but only exposes sin and things in us to set us free from bondage. I messed up today, I hurt someone I love. It kills me that I did this unintentioally - but I'm so thankful that I can ask for forgiveness, go to God who is quick to forgive, and learn all I can from the situation. I love my Jesus, and I try my best to follow him and do what is right - only to fall short of his glory. I pray that someday I will not fall into this -

I can't believe I'm here, in this place again, how did I manage to mess up one more time?
This pattern seems to be the story of my life, should have learned my lesson by the thousandth time.
Cause I've promiesd myself I wouldn't fall, but here I've fallen, I guess I'm not as strong as I thought, all I can do, is cry to you..

Oh God you have to save me, you're the last and only hope.
All my right answers fail me, I can't seem to make it on my own.

I always thought that I would be strong enough, what made all of them fall wouldn't take me down.
Did I think I was above it all? - I have learned that pride comes before the fall.

I can't promise myself won't fall, because here I have fallen - I know I'm not as strong as I thought, all I can do is cry to you...

Oh God, you have to save me, you're my last and only hope
All my right answers fail me, I can't seem to make it on my own.

Beginnings

So, this is my first entry...why do I want to blog??? What are these even for?? I have loved following a friend of mine's blog for almost a year now - and she shares what God is doing in her life - to a great extent. I think that's way cool. I realize that the comments I leave are pretty long, and I could almost start my own blog for comments alone. Anyway, this is intended for me to express my thoughts, feelings, emotions, or prayers. I'm not necessarily doing it to share, I just think it would be cool to have an online "journal" of sorts. If someone reads it, wants to comment, that's totally your freedom.

If you would like to join me on this journey, please feel free. Thank you for taking interest, and checking out what may be on my mind. May the peace of Christ be with you.
~Jess
Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.