I was awakened again last night - 3am. I had been tossing and turning most of the night, restless and not able to sleep well. I started to complain quietly, until I looked at the sacred time - 3am is God's time. It's the time he wakes me, to speak to me. I was humbled by what I "heard" (I use quotes because I don't hear an audible voice, it's more my quiet thoughts).

I've been learning and teaching about prayer this month. The study I'm doing is impacting and life changing. I want so badly to do all God wants me to do, to want him with all that I am. To serve him (no matter how) with a glad heart, with a eager and willing heart. To do everything without complaining or arguing. I want to be a wise woman.

This morning, I got reminded of my Thursday. I felt it was incredibly productive, very little school got done, but a lot of other things were accomplished (or so I thought). Pride was settling into it's usual spot - therefore complaining was on my mind "Lord, I need to sleep, yesterday was so busy, and tomorrow is going to be so much more. You know what I need, so please provide rest for me."

"You ask, but you do not seek me. At times you treat me like your child instead of being MY child. I love you, remember that I know what is best for you? You didn't seek me, ONE time yesterday. You said you would pray, but you never did. You didn't seek my wisdom, or consider my ways one time. You come to me, wanting me to pour out blessings of sweet rest, but your soul is unrested, your mind is cluttered, because you never sought me. When you do it all yourself, you will work so much harder than if you allow me to help you with decisions. When you commit your way to me, and trust me with all your heart, you will have no worry or fear, your confidence will be complete in me. You won't have to worry about the next day, or the next decision because I have already prepared it, I have already ordered it, and done what is necessary. Seek me first, dear one, even in the small things. Get in the habit of coming to me about what you should eat or drink, ask me what road to take, ask me which event to attend. I will lead you, because I can see the whole map, and I know where the rugged terrain is, I know where the traffic is. I know and I see all things. Trust in me with all your heart (yes, even the small stuff counts), lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways (not just some) acknowledge me, and I will make your path straight. Pray with your sisters. When you're trusting me, when you're seeking me always, then you will find peace, and you will pray with those around you that have asked for prayer. Don't write it down. Pray. You know that I answer, you know that I hear. Pray dear one. I am beckoning you, because I love you. Come away with me, rest in me, allow me to fill you to overflowing. I want to bless you, but you have to ask for the blessing. Wait on me. Give me time to make my plans that I have for you to prosper you, not to harm you, to give you hope and a future work out. Ask. Wait. Respond. "

I only share this journal because it's time to get be vulnerable - authentic. I don't have it all together, but thank the Lord, that he does, and that I can lean on him, trust him, and confess to him (he's so quick to forgive). I am going to be working on checking with God about things first - it's a tough thing for me - pride and control want to take over. But, I think I will be blessed for following him, for giving him the control, for humbling myself to his all knowing power. And so I begin, Lord, do I post this on my blog? .....................