Today was a day of reflection - of looking at what God has done in my life. I spent most of the day (between taking care of 6 kiddos) reading the WORD, soaking in the precious words of my Father.
Psalm 20 was emailed to me this morning:
1 May the LORD answer you in the day of trouble;
May the name of the God of Jacob defend you;
2 May He send you help from the sanctuary,
And strengthen you out of Zion;
3 May He remember all your offerings,
And accept your burnt sacrifice. Selah
4 May He grant you according to your heart’s desire,
And fulfill all your purpose.
5 We will rejoice in your salvation,
And in the name of our God we will set up our banners!
May the LORD fulfill all your petitions.
6 Now I know that the LORD saves His anointed;
He will answer him from His holy heaven
With the saving strength of His right hand.
7 Some trust in chariots, and some in horses;
But we will remember the name of the LORD our God.
8 They have bowed down and fallen;
But we have risen and stand upright.
9 Save, LORD!
May the King answer us when we call.
Then I spoke with a trusted friend - an accountability partner if you will - and she spoke such good truth to me.
Here's the situation - someone asked me about something, something from my past...something that I had healed from. I didn't defend myself really, I just said it wasn't so. It didn't hurt at the time - then I realized later (after losing self control later that night) that I was very disturbed by the question. I felt attacked, angry, hurt, betrayed, bitter. I felt horrible, ugly, and like "maybe I haven't changed!" - I cried, I bawled, I grieved and mourned - I was so confused why this could hurt SO bad? I don't know if it was meant to hurt or not, then this precious soul (angel if you will) spoke such a good word to me. Here's what she said:
"Maybe she didn't mean what you thought she meant....maybe she wasn't attacking at all, but MAYBE with the question she asked, it was a question in general to all women, it is a process of her own healing, maybe God is working on her restoration and healing as well, and she wanted to know how you had healed from this."
WOW - she caused me to take a HUGE step back, out of the situation and try to see this situation and person through God's perspective, or just a different perpective. It was interesting, and caused me to look at the situation as not being an attacking one, but one that maybe I just got too defensive, and allowed the ENEMY to destroy something that was meant for good. I want to ask for forgiveness, but I think it's too late. I now pray for that person, that God will bring complete healing to her. That God will completely restore her heart, and that he will also restore mine. I am sad that I allowed the enemy to get me so down with this, and those comments. I am disappointed in myself that I was not stronger. Now, she's gone, out of my life, and I hate it - I miss her and I wish I could have even the little bit back that I once had. I was trying SO hard, but maybe, I HOPE that God will bring restoration to our relationship. I put my hope in him for this relationship in knowing that he has restored SO many others. I pray that his good, pleasing and perfect will is done.
1 Peter 4: 1-6
1 Therefore, since Christ suffered for usa]">[a] in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same mind, for he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, 2 that he no longer should live the rest of his time in the flesh for the lusts of men, but for the will of God. 3 For we have spentb]">[b] in doing the will of the Gentiles—when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries. 4 In regard to these, they think it strange that you do not run with them in the same flood of dissipation, speaking evil of you. 5 They will give an account to Him who is ready to judge the living and the dead. 6 For this reason the gospel was preached also to those who are dead, that they might be judged according to men in the flesh, but live according to God in the spirit. enough of our past lifetime
Selah
Oh Jess,
ReplyDeleteHad a similar situation recently. Ouch! Praying for you.
Deb
Praying for you, friend.
ReplyDeleteI know this situation has troubled you deeply. Might I suggest you tell her this...exactly as you've told us, here in your blog...and ask her forgiveness.
I had to do that-ask forgiveness-today, of someone I NEVER intended to hurt. I laughed at something someone else 'said' (online) without thinking about the relational dynamics involved between the two of them. Then, after realizing what had taken place, and how she'd been hurt in the process, I asked her forgiveness. Though I wasn't the one who 'said' it, I did laugh about it-the verbiage struck me as funny at the time-but, in retrospect, I should have been aware of what was actually transpiring, and been more sensitive to her feelings. Though she said I didn't hurt/offend her, I've felt like an absolute heel all day, even though I apologized immediately upon realizing what had taken place. She, being the gracious and loving friend that she is, extended grace and mercy to me. I pray your friend will do the same for you.
Years ago, I had a discussion with a friend in which we came to a few conclusions about things we say:
1-It isn't always what you say but, more importantly, how you say it, and...
2-It's isn't always what's said, or the way it's meant, but the way it's taken.
Like you, I too have been upset by things that were said to, and/or asked of, me. Usually, in retrospect, I find that I'm not so much angry as I am hurt/wounded in those situations. I confess there are times in my life that I have allowed to enemy to plant seeds of discontentment or allowed him to rob my joy, hence the reason I have sometimes lashed out. Somehow...at least sometimes anyway, it seemed it was almost easier for me to be angry with them, than it was to admit that I'd been hurt by them...someone I love dearly.
I'm not exactly certain what your situation...or particularly your history...is with this friend, but I would encourage you to go to her and explain (as you did above) what happened, how you perceived it and how it made you feel, and then ask her forgiveness. I'm praying for restoration in your relationship as well.
Make sure you thank God for your "angel"...who spoke truth into your life today, just when you needed it...we serve an on-time God...and we all need "angels" in our lives.
Love, hugs, and prayers...
Leslie